Bright green eyes.

I don’t want to talk about the passing of time, nor about death and how that’s the only certainty in life. I would much rather talk about beginnings, about uncertainties, about hopes and dreams. Because every step is uncertain, isn’t it? Every word that’s said, everything that’s thought, every action we make… They’re all beginnings. I’m not sure I’m able to talk about love, to talk about life, without thinking about death and so I’ll try to stay clear of those subjects. I’ll talk about a girl’s first bra instead. I’ll talk about laugher. I’ll talk about pizza, about back rubbing. I’ll talk about swimming pools, about street barbecues, about tv watching. I’ll talk about eating. I’ll talk about presents, about crazy shopping days, about hair trimming. I won’t talk about hospitals, about diseases, about ashes. But about Christmas dinners, about Santa Claus, about cans of poop.  I’ll talk about stories, about choices, about lazy weekends.  Not about pain and sorrow and suffering, but about jokes and smiles and light green eyes. I’ll talk about needs and wishes and freedom. About care, about spider games on the computer, about skype calls. I’ll talk about backyard barbecues and dessert. About bathtubs big enough for 4 children and a bad witch shimmering a cauldron.  I’ll talk about the memories of a man with a good heart, an easy laugh and bright green eyes.

My six month's anniversary in Berlin

As in today it's been six months since I set foot in Berlin and Germany for the first time. Amazing how the time goes by fast, isn't it? And at the same time so very slow. I've lived a lifetime on those six months, I've seen things I had only dreamed of. I've gone to places I've longed for half my life. And there's still so much more to be seen, to be done! People thought me crazy when I decided to come to Germany. Even crazier when they found out I would be spending a year and a half. No family, no friends. A language I barely spoke. A country so far away. A country marked by history. But to this day, I don't regret the decision. Surprisingly enough Germany has become home. My adopted country for the time being. And German is a language with which I struggle day by day and that each day, I learn a bit more. Of course sometimes I miss my homeland. My family, my friends. My books. There were moments when I had no Internet, no shows and no books that I thought I might not make it after all (that was before I got the hang of the German amazon and a decent wifi). But I did make it. I'm here. It's been six months. I've met amazing people, brazilians, foreigners (non Germans nor brazilians), and even Germans. I've found out Germans are not only punctual as they're famous for, but always extremely helpful and prestative and friendly. A long way from the cold, proud people I was told I would find. I miss the Brazilian cousine, but when I think of going home I panick over the thought of not being able to eat a kebab. I've learned how to cook, ladies and gentlemen. And though my mitbewohnering will inform that every now and then I make some misstep I haven't yet burned the kitchen or given us food poisoning (yes, I'm very proud of myself). I've learned to clean a house, bathroom and all. I've learned to cherish the people who work with both cooking and cleaning in ways I had never before. I've learned to let go, and not only things but people who were no good to me, problems that were not worth worrying over and appearences. I've learned to pack my life in a handluggage with a smile on my face. I've learned a lesson in humbleness. I've learned to ask for help. I've learned to be grateful: to my parents and grandparents for having stood up to me and supported me on coming here even though they thought me crazy, to my cousins for keeping in touch and reminding me of home, to my friends who've supported me all along and who've been there whenever I felt sad or stressed or missed home, to the friends I've made and who've become my adopted family, not allowing me to feel lost in a foreign country, for giving me pieces of home. I'm grateful for the opportunity I've had and still am having and I'm trying my best every second of it. Berlin has taught me I could be myself, just myself. And that whatever quirks and perks I might have should be valued, should be expressed. No hiding. Berlin has taught me that wearing a dress and shoes for a night out is not only acceptable but expected. And that make up, slutty dresses and heels that are higher than the tv tower are overrated. I've always been accused by my family of being independent, but over the last 6 months I've known the true meaning of being independent, having no one to count on but myself. I got lost, I got lost again and again and in countries I didn't speak the language. But I also managed to find myself. The value of asking. I've forgotten some Portuguese, some english. I've tried to speak German with Greeks because it was the first language that came to mind. I've said entschuldigung, dankeschön and bitte to Italians. I've tried to speak Portuguese with British and Turkish people because I'm so surrounded by brazilians I forget which language I'm supposed to be speaking. I've started a sentence in English, switched to German and ended up with a Portuguese word. I've had dreams in German while staying in Italy. Ive learned words in languages I cant even pretend to speak. My head is a mess of languages and words and I'm loving it. I'm yet to find the love of my life, much to my family's despair, but I've found the love in life. I've made mistakes. I've cried because I got unexpected gifts. I learned to cling on to what really matters. I've made lifelongfriends for one single day. I've learned to cherish the people that are only in our lives in passing, and to cherish even more the ones who are meaning to stay. I've learned to forgive: others for their mistakes, for hurting me or hurting others but most important, I've learned to forgive myself. I've learned not to impose myself to others. I've learned that there are few things better than a beer with friends, or even just water. I've learned to embrace being alone and despise loneliness. I've longed for home, and then realised I was longing for Berlin. I've learned to stop saying Real when referring to money and start saying Euro. Ive bought frozen pizza in Italy to save money. I've had milkhakes for breakfast in Greece because it was simply too hot. I've missed my own cooking. I've gotten tired of eating my own food. I've seen real castles. I've gone to a lake and swam on it trying to trick my brain into thinking it was a beach. I've learned to accept the reality of things. I've learned to mapread. I've bought an ukulele and am learning how to play it. And I'm getting better at it than at the guitar. I've met people I've only known online after years of talking. I've woken up in Berlin thinking I was in Brazil and that it had all been just a dream. I've woken up in Berlin wishing I was in Brazil. I've paid way too much money for brazilian food because I was desperate for a piece of home. Ive learned to treasure the sunny days, knowing that rain might fall in the blink of an eye. I've learned to never trust the weather app and to always carry an umbrella or jacket with me. I've learned to embrace short Skype calls. I've learned to always get the Autobahn while on a road trip. I've learned to put myself out there and take risks. I've reinforced my notion that there's no better companion than a good book. I've been close to tears with desperation over the German language before a test, woke up the next day and kept a conversation going in said language for more than 5minutes and realised it wasn't the end or the world. I've read a children's book in German and had my teacher tell me it was her 7-years-old son favourite book. I've played crazy ping pong and won. I've learned to plan a trip in a day. I've watched a game outside, in the rain along with thousands of other Germans because it was the world cup's final. I've seen entire movies in German and understood what was being said, even if not in detail. I've began to capitalise words while writing in English or Portuguese because I forget that's a German-only rule. I've gone out with summer clothes with the sun out and came back freezing and wet because a storm had suddenly taken over and I was completely unprepared. I've done brigadeiro for people from different countries and had them go crazy over it. I've frozen my ass off waiting at an ungodly hour outside the Ausländerbehörde because I didn't want to risk having to do the same in Braunschweig. I've talked to random strangers at the tram in German, left at my station and only then realised I had spoken German. I've learned to say goodbye. I've learned so, so much in my time here and I'm living the very last few days of this wonderful city. Counting down the days and not wanting to leave. Not wanting for this chapter to be over and still looking forward to the next one. More experiences, more people, more places to go, more things to learn. More, more, more, just more. It's been six months, but there's still an entire year to go. And may fall and winter and spring and summer bring me even more. And may Braunschweig become my next adventure. 

Falling Star

Comes in your life a shooting star

To bring friendship wherever you are

But don't think for a second their love is true

For when you need, the meteor will have burned through.

Comes in your life a falling star

It shines so bright when in your life

But once it passes and it's gone,

It breaks your heart to the bone.

Look up to the sky to the other stars

They don't shine so bright, but constant they are.

And no matter how much time passes or obstacles are laid ahead,

Their presence will always be there.

Look up to the sky, to the other stars

The ones that follow wherever you are

The ones you know will always be true

They will keep the darkness and sorrow from you.

Sadness takes over, day after day
And all that’s happy seems to fade away
All the laugher is an echo of pain
As we hide inside waiting the night.

Reasons escape,
The blue is here to stay.
We’re taking a chance
There’s no other way.

My heart is shredded,
Yet I find I cannot cry.
Afraid of the dark,
I’m broken inside.

Smiles are so easily given,
But they tell other lies.
But look into my eyes and you’ll see
All my heart’s desire.

I’m living my dream
Yet I’m empty inside.
If not for the sadness
that surrounds my heart.

I’m surrounded by friends,
Yet none worthwhile
And I can’t find in the books,
What I’ve left behind.

Who are we?
I ask myself as I look into the mirror,
The face that stares back is so familiar
And still nothing is the same.

What have we done?
Have we lost ourselves while chasing shadows?
Have we drowned in our own sorrow?
Have we suffered so much we stopped trying?

The eyes that look back at me are so much older than I remember.
I watch as memories from the past run through my fingers like sand
There's no holding back anymore
They're all gone, and so are we.

We learned from our mistakes, but some can't suffer amends,
And the people we loved, we lost forever.
I was once young and brave
A little girl with the world in her hands.

But her wings were chained by those
Who would stop her from flying
And her dreams were burned
Right before her eyes.
Her creativity suppressed,
By those who could so easily lie.
And her tears would carry, an empty desire.

We were born to be broken,
But does that means we can't be fixed?
We were shapped for loneliness,
But can't others hear our hearts screaming?
We were taught to be hopeless, yet faith took over
On those who foreced themselves to believe.

We have done that, haven't we?
So easily abandoned, by those who claimed to care
And so easily fooled, by anyone who would stop to stare.
So desperate for love, we forgot to love ourselves.

We were shaped into humans, who never learned to care
And we were taught to continue, even though we were bleeding.
We were raised in fear, of the pains from within
Yet as we went to sleep, unwatched, we dreamed of freedom

She looked up from her book when she heard a noise, thinking it might be someone approaching. Funny how you can be transported in between two worlds so fast and be brought back with a punch when a noise that threatens your seclusion manages to penetrate through the barriers of your mind. A lifetime can be lived in the chapters of a book, and she had already lived too many lifetimes to count. Some would say she hid behind books because reality was too hard to bear, and they were right. What’s the point of real life, really, when every step you take is just another step towards suffering and every person you meet is just in the corner waiting to break your heart. She had once been a great actress and she learned the art of laughing and smiling even when her insides were screaming when she was still young. What is life if not a big play? She could make friends in the blink of an eye but she could never keep them even if her life depended on it. Everybody eventually left. Her life was a parade of so called friends who would continually break her heart. No matter how hard she tried, how much she gave or how much she begged. One by one they left. They broke her heart continuously It’s not that she didn’t like people, though, she loved them. Their different mentalities, cultures, languages, accents. Their different backgrounds and tastes. She just never fit in, even though she tried. She could surround herself with people, smile, laugh, joke… But deep down she would still be alone. A defense mechanism against all the previous suffering. She didn’t block people out so much as keep herself from being hurt any further. In just how many pieces can a heart be broken before it’s enough? She never got the answer to that question either. And she lived in fear that she was very close to finding out.

 That’s the thing about books, though, they will never disappoint you. Books will never leave you, even when they break your heart. Books are always there for you. They take you flying far away and they take you in, help you breath. Books could make her laugh but they never charged for her smile, they never forced her to pretend to be something she wasn’t. Books never have any expectation whatsoever. She could always just pick them up whenever she liked it to read and then put it back in her shelves until she wanted to take them out again.  Books understand.

Great News!

So today I've received some marvelous news:
I've been accepted by a university here in Germany to study there for a year starting this winter (tecnically this fall), and it really is a dream come true. After all the struggle, all the despair, the late nights trying to write the perfect letter or even before that the late nights of studying for my tests in my uni in Brazil. Dreams do come true, if only ones work hard enough for them.
And this is it. That's my dream. Archieved with sweat and tears which makes it all the more worthwhile.
So yeah I'm damn happy and I just thought I would share the news ^^

Love letter to a stranger

Dear Stranger,

I know we've probably never talked before and this may sound a little weird but the thing is, I love you. I think you are the most important person that ever existed and I love everything about you. Even all the things you seem to consider flaws, even the defects. I love you for who you are, when you let yourself trust enough to let your shield down. I love the way you smile, the way you talk and I thinkg you are the most beautiful person that exists. I think you have a good heart and I know for a fact you will archieve great things if only you allow yourself to. 

My dear, I hope you've had a good day. I know life can be rough sometimes specially with those of us who they are unable to comprehend but you can do it. You can fight everything and every single person who tells you otherwise, who tells you can't or that you don't have what it takes. Because you do. You have a strenght within that's hiding, just waiting to be discovered. Just waiting for the right moment to come out. There will be good days, as there always were, and the bad days don't need to take the beauty out of the good ones. The good days should be cherished, enjoyed, go crazy like there's no one watching. It's on the moments of sheer joy and freedom that you shine the brightest. 

Find the people who make you feel like you can be yourself and don't let go of them. Find the people who make you feel special, unique, invencible. Surround yourself with them. No matter if they live next door or a thousand miles away. And let go of whoever hurts you, whoever makes you feel like less. They're not worth of your time or tears. Seek love, even when it seems like there's no hope, for you'll find it. 

Take risks, my love. Go on adventures, even if these adventures are inside the pages of books or the episodes of a new show. Try, try and try again. And know that whenever you fall there's always going to be someone right there to catch you and help you up again. Even if sometimes you can't see it. Make mistakes, I know this sound like a line stolen from one of those help books but the only way you'll ever learn what's right is by doing what's wrong. 

I know we're most likely to never meet, and it saddens me to know that. But I also know that you're alive. You're alive and you're seeking happiness. And I truly hope you find it. And I'll be right here waiting, loving you. I hope you think of me, sometimes, when you're feeling sad or happy or lonely. I hope you think of me when you feel like there's no escape. No moving forwards. I hope you remember me when you feel you're not important. When others tell you you're not good enough. I hope you think of me, and remember that I love you and think you're the single most important thing in the entire universe and all other universes that might be discovered. I hope you remember me, and that you know that I'll always accept you for who you are, instead of for who you pretend to be. You're my idea of perfect, and I hope someday you can think the same about yourself. I hope someday you're able to love yourself half as much as I love you, and to believe in yourself as I do. Because you're my lifeline and you deserve to be happy.

Have a great week.

Always yours,

Love, no matter what

I don't think there's anything else that needs saying.

Traveling around

Hi there,

I know I haven't written anything in a while and I miss it, a lot. But lately I've been doing a lot of travelling. And a lot of going out (check me out with a social life). My roommate and I went to Poland on a roadtrip with a few other brazilians from our school, it was great. Not only the knowing of a new country but also because of the experience and the history we got to learn. We went to Krakow and did a tour around the Jewish neighbourhood, we saw the Castle and got to learn a bit about the dragon's tale. We went out, we had a great time. But one of the things that marked me the most was the Jewish walking tour that I did. And not only for the story, since we got to listen and follow all that had happened in Krakow and Poland since the moment the Jewish started to go there until past world war 2. With of course a focus on the attrocities commited during the war. We saw Schindler's factory. We saw the Chairs Platz where the jewish had been told to gather and then taken or killed. What marked me was the claim the guide made, which is recurrent here in Germany and in all other places marked by the WWII. She said "Please, don't remember us for the atrocities commited. There's so much more to our history than that. When you think of us don't think of Aushwitz only. Think of all the good things we did to the Jewish and to everyone else through our history." And also the fact that, like the germans, they don't hide what was done. But they learned and they do their best to make sure history won't be repeated.
Anyway, after Poland I spent a week back in Berlin having classes and then I spent 10 days in England, where after a few days in London, which was marvelous, and the Wicked performance (which will gain a post for itself)  I got to spend the most marvelous time with Hannah who I finally got to meet. ^^

So yeah. That's the reason and I'm sorry and the minute I finish this other project of mine I'll try to give more thought and dedicate myself more to this blog.

Live long and prosper xD

First week in Berlin

Okay so this was going to be a pretty much detailed description of my first week here but I got lazy halfway through so I'm just gonna post what I did write and make a short text some other day about the  first month. Sometime xD
Excuse any mistakes, I was doing it on doc xD


The trip started with the flight from Recife to Frankfurt being two hours late, since the system went down for a few hours, making check in impossible. While in the airport I met some of the people who I had been talking on whatsapp for months. The people who were to travel with me. After the plane took off, we had a 10 hour marathon and since it was an overnight flight, I ended up not sleeping more than about half an hour total.
Arriving in Frankfurt two hours late I had already missed my connection so I had to go and have my flight rescheduled, which gave me no mora than 20 min to go through passaport control, imigration and going to the next gate. I'm not sure whether or not you've ever gone to Frankfurt's airport but let me tell you this: it's bloody huge. It's like on the top 10 biggest airports in Europe or around the world or whatever. It's like a small city. Anyway, this girl and I had were going to take the same flight so we decided to stick together. We basically ran through the airport and did everthing we had to do in 15 minutes. It was a mad race. To the point where while passing the X-Ray the guy there was like "somebody is in a rush" and I said "yeah. My flight takes off in 15 min".. Once I told him my gate he just turned at me and said "you're not gonna make it." But hey I did make it. Barely.
Anyway so we took the flight from Frankfurt to Berlin and getting here my dear friend was waiting for me. Which, let me say, was simply adorable. Right, so before that we were waiting for our luggage and it never arrived, so after getting out we went to the lost and founds and then some other place to say that our luggage was lost and stuff. They took our addresses and numbers and gave us a protocol number, saying our luggage was in Frankfurt but would be sent to us that same day, the next one in the latest. The four of us (because there was another brazilian in our flight) then shared a cab to the hostel.

The place we stayed was actually pretty cool, they had free wifi and a pool table along with a bunch of other cool stuff. We checked in our room and went out after some food, finding an actually really good place to eat. A big enough meal for two, though since we didn't know we had to fight our way through the plate, giving up no more than halway through which was when we found out we could take the rest to go. Making that our dinner, as well.
Iso and I went back to the hostel to drop some of the stuff and then she showed me around a bit of Berlin's Mitte. Damn the place is beautiful. It's a big city but not exactly as the ones I'm used to in Brazil. And the buzz of voices around and signs of world wide known brands made it seem like we could've been anywhere in the world. Although the cold did say it was nowhere near the Equator line. And full of people from all places. It was really cool. Anyway we browsed some stores, we went in a bookshop (You can take a girl out of her country, out of her world, you can even take the books away from her... But you will never be able to take her away from the books.) and I was really happy to see there were some books in english too (yay me). Anyway we finally parted ways, Iso and I, I mean, at the hostel since it was getting late and she went home. I went inside and met up with the brazilians who were there (There were loads of us) and we sat at the "common room" to socialize with one another and drink some beers and soft drinks and whatever and play cards and be loud. When I finally got to sleep it was way past 3 am, Germany time, making it like over 24 hours of not sleeping. Woke up the next morning and we went out as a small group to do some sight seeing, we ended up going to the Bode-Museum, which was pretty cool, and then I went back to the hostel to try to talk to my grandparents while the others went to another museum. Later on I went to Alexander Platz with a bunch of people and ended up getting lost on my way back. It was, now when I look back, pretty hilarious. I got home and they wanted me to drag me out again, to a nightclub or something, but I refused to go... Until I rested and ended up going anyway. After all, you gotta enjoy it while you can, right? So we tried to go to this place but we didn't manage to get in. For no other reason than: Berlin nightclubs have guys at the doors, not exactly security but sort of, and they choose who goes in and who doesnt. Apparently I wasn't cool enough to go in... Or maybe it was the fact that I was with two other guys in my group, and not girls only. Anyway we went back to the hostel and we did a bit of a party in the common room again, until I went upstairs to sleep.

Power of words

She opened up the book and started to read out loud, whispering the words, as if telling a secret. Dangerous words had been written down long ago by her own hand, one that was now old and marked for the years who charged their price. Powerful words that were feared even while they were being written. But then, arent all words powerful? Hadn't she been taught that every word was dangerous and that writing was the most dangerous thing of all? The darkest and yet sweetest secret. Too much power was held in the hands of those who wrote. The written word, the spoken word. Words coming together to form an infinity of all things. They were too powerful to be held down, locked away in a piece of paper, yet humanity kept on doing just that. They say humans fear what they don't understand and yet... Yet they wrote. She always thought it was because they didn't know they didn't understand, they thought they did when in fact they didn't. So they lied to themselves, pretending to have absolute control, but they have always been mistaken. But she knew better than to pretend, life had taught her not to lie to herself. She had been young once, and fearless, and though many would still call her brave, she had the one secret fear that she had to face day by day: the fear of words.
She had spent her life being transported by them, using them as an escape from reality whenever reality felt like too much. Whenever reality made her sad or hurt or even bored. Whenever reality was too real for her to handle, she played with them and found her own place, her own worlds. And slowly, word by word, they got a hold on her. They emprisioned her in all those worlds, all those possibilities. Until she had been trapped in her escape route that somehow became a prison. They charged their price. And as she created life with words, life ran by outside without her being aware. Life happened and she was trapped. A different reality, far more dangerous than the reality she had tried to escape from. And yet far more fulfilling.
She had been young once, and her youth could be counted on the pages of the books she had read and written. The sunrise and sunsets could be measured by chapters. Chapters filled with pain and sorrow and love and happiness. Her dreams had been an epilogue of things to come. She had followed them and as dreams were lived, more would form.
Fear me, she could all but hear the words speaking to her even now, so many years later. Words forming more words that would form complete sentences that would join other words and sentences in a net of powerful roads, where each twist and turn would be filled with dangerous wonders. Her first words had been a prologue for all the things to come, and while living the last pages of her epilogue the words kept on. Fear me. Fear me for I am the life of all things. Fear me for I am peace and I am war. Fear me for I am old and young and ageless. Fear me for I'm what has been and what will be. Fear me for I am light and darkness. Fear me for you love me. Fear me for I am life.
Fear me.
And so she read out loud the one word that had had the power to destroy worlds. The last word of all stories, all books, all realities, all lives. She read the one word as her own story reached it's end.

Books read in January.

Okay so, as a book a holic, people are always asking me how many books I read through the year and I'm never sure, at all. Last year I tried to make a list of the books I read during it but let's just say I lost the damn paper and couldn't remember most of the names so... I'm trying a one list a month thing and this way I'll know which ones and be able to make a proper count at the end of the year. xD
I'm at a romantical month, one could say so xD Anyway, these are the books I read from beginning to end, I also started City of Ashes and I've been reading The Ocean at the End of the Land, but I decided they only count if I started and finished on the same month. Or in case of these two, they'll count on next month's when I do the February list. I may or may not do a little review on them later on but for now let me just say they're really good books, the first 14 by Nora Roberts and the last one from the series The Mortal Instruments.

Dark Witch
Daring to dream
Holding the dream
Finding the dream
Taming Tash
Luring a lady
Falling for Rachel
Convincing Alex
Waiting for Nick
Considering Kate
The Last Honest Woman
Dance to the Piper
Skin Deep
Without a Trace
City of Bones

If this is a dream I don't want to wake up
If it's all just a dream then let it become my reality
For in this dream I can hold you
In the dream you know that I love you.

I try to reach out to you but you won't look
I'm all alone and you can't see me
I scream the words to the wind, for the world to listen
Yet you never hear.

You're in my arms, I hold you tight
I can count the infinite beats of your heart
As we lay, side by side
Whispering promises in the moonlight

Day by day I try to convince myself it's a mistake
But one look at your smile and my heart's awake,
All the reasons this could be wrong make it be so absolutely right
that I catch myself counting down the seconds until it's night.

As night comes and I can finally sleep, in dreams you come
Your heartbeats have the sound of a drum
Telling me all that I need to know.
Telling me that in dreams, at least, we belong.

Some german music

So, on the spirit of one-month-till-I-leave-for-Germany-for-a-year-and-a-half (more to be said about this later when the mood strikes) I'm going to put some German music here to educate you guys. As if. Nah I just really like this song, and this band as a matter of fact, and though it took me a trip to google to actually understand more than a few words here and there (totally worth it btw) I wasn't disappointed. It's also a proof that German isn't ugly as a language. I know that when people think of german, of Germany, the first thing that comes to mind is Hitler and WWII and all the blood, tears, pain and despair of war, of a country left in the hands of the wrong people (well not left but taken over by). But there's so much more to Germany than that. There's so much more to the german language then the Hitler speeches or what we saw on some WWII inspired movie. German is not a language for curses only. It's also a language for music, for poetry and for pride. I do admit the huge words that look like complete sentences (and that actually are complete sentences when you get to know them) are more than a little scary. But there's so much more to it than the scary first, second and third impressions. Just... Listen.