Standing in the woods, there is the echoes of the drums,
Ghosts of what once was, never truly gone.
If you stand quietly you can hear the shouts,
The sounds of battle of those who longed to go home.

The cries of men, no more than children,
Who were told to fight and were promised freedom.
The darnkess of the blood that spilled in the land,
And the shapeless bodies that could no longer stand.

There was once a boy, no more than seventeen
He was called in to fight, to fullfil his destiny.
He was proud to join in the cause, defend his land and home,
To fight for a country that wasn't completely his own.

As a soldier he faced his enemy and fought to win,
Covered in blood, dust and powder he kept going on.
But as night approached and the fight reached a halt
You could hear the cries of a more treacherous war being fought.

Life and death, stay or go.
The wound in his gut, too great to be won.
He curled in pain, just a boy who had never been kissed
And as he fell asleep forever, he dreamed he was home.

Bright green eyes.

I don’t want to talk about the passing of time, nor about death and how that’s the only certainty in life. I would much rather talk about beginnings, about uncertainties, about hopes and dreams. Because every step is uncertain, isn’t it? Every word that’s said, everything that’s thought, every action we make… They’re all beginnings. I’m not sure I’m able to talk about love, to talk about life, without thinking about death and so I’ll try to stay clear of those subjects. I’ll talk about a girl’s first bra instead. I’ll talk about laugher. I’ll talk about pizza, about back rubbing. I’ll talk about swimming pools, about street barbecues, about tv watching. I’ll talk about eating. I’ll talk about presents, about crazy shopping days, about hair trimming. I won’t talk about hospitals, about diseases, about ashes. But about Christmas dinners, about Santa Claus, about cans of poop.  I’ll talk about stories, about choices, about lazy weekends.  Not about pain and sorrow and suffering, but about jokes and smiles and light green eyes. I’ll talk about needs and wishes and freedom. About care, about spider games on the computer, about skype calls. I’ll talk about backyard barbecues and dessert. About bathtubs big enough for 4 children and a bad witch shimmering a cauldron.  I’ll talk about the memories of a man with a good heart, an easy laugh and bright green eyes.

My six month's anniversary in Berlin

As in today it's been six months since I set foot in Berlin and Germany for the first time. Amazing how the time goes by fast, isn't it? And at the same time so very slow. I've lived a lifetime on those six months, I've seen things I had only dreamed of. I've gone to places I've longed for half my life. And there's still so much more to be seen, to be done! People thought me crazy when I decided to come to Germany. Even crazier when they found out I would be spending a year and a half. No family, no friends. A language I barely spoke. A country so far away. A country marked by history. But to this day, I don't regret the decision. Surprisingly enough Germany has become home. My adopted country for the time being. And German is a language with which I struggle day by day and that each day, I learn a bit more. Of course sometimes I miss my homeland. My family, my friends. My books. There were moments when I had no Internet, no shows and no books that I thought I might not make it after all (that was before I got the hang of the German amazon and a decent wifi). But I did make it. I'm here. It's been six months. I've met amazing people, brazilians, foreigners (non Germans nor brazilians), and even Germans. I've found out Germans are not only punctual as they're famous for, but always extremely helpful and prestative and friendly. A long way from the cold, proud people I was told I would find. I miss the Brazilian cousine, but when I think of going home I panick over the thought of not being able to eat a kebab. I've learned how to cook, ladies and gentlemen. And though my mitbewohnering will inform that every now and then I make some misstep I haven't yet burned the kitchen or given us food poisoning (yes, I'm very proud of myself). I've learned to clean a house, bathroom and all. I've learned to cherish the people who work with both cooking and cleaning in ways I had never before. I've learned to let go, and not only things but people who were no good to me, problems that were not worth worrying over and appearences. I've learned to pack my life in a handluggage with a smile on my face. I've learned a lesson in humbleness. I've learned to ask for help. I've learned to be grateful: to my parents and grandparents for having stood up to me and supported me on coming here even though they thought me crazy, to my cousins for keeping in touch and reminding me of home, to my friends who've supported me all along and who've been there whenever I felt sad or stressed or missed home, to the friends I've made and who've become my adopted family, not allowing me to feel lost in a foreign country, for giving me pieces of home. I'm grateful for the opportunity I've had and still am having and I'm trying my best every second of it. Berlin has taught me I could be myself, just myself. And that whatever quirks and perks I might have should be valued, should be expressed. No hiding. Berlin has taught me that wearing a dress and shoes for a night out is not only acceptable but expected. And that make up, slutty dresses and heels that are higher than the tv tower are overrated. I've always been accused by my family of being independent, but over the last 6 months I've known the true meaning of being independent, having no one to count on but myself. I got lost, I got lost again and again and in countries I didn't speak the language. But I also managed to find myself. The value of asking. I've forgotten some Portuguese, some english. I've tried to speak German with Greeks because it was the first language that came to mind. I've said entschuldigung, dankeschön and bitte to Italians. I've tried to speak Portuguese with British and Turkish people because I'm so surrounded by brazilians I forget which language I'm supposed to be speaking. I've started a sentence in English, switched to German and ended up with a Portuguese word. I've had dreams in German while staying in Italy. Ive learned words in languages I cant even pretend to speak. My head is a mess of languages and words and I'm loving it. I'm yet to find the love of my life, much to my family's despair, but I've found the love in life. I've made mistakes. I've cried because I got unexpected gifts. I learned to cling on to what really matters. I've made lifelongfriends for one single day. I've learned to cherish the people that are only in our lives in passing, and to cherish even more the ones who are meaning to stay. I've learned to forgive: others for their mistakes, for hurting me or hurting others but most important, I've learned to forgive myself. I've learned not to impose myself to others. I've learned that there are few things better than a beer with friends, or even just water. I've learned to embrace being alone and despise loneliness. I've longed for home, and then realised I was longing for Berlin. I've learned to stop saying Real when referring to money and start saying Euro. Ive bought frozen pizza in Italy to save money. I've had milkhakes for breakfast in Greece because it was simply too hot. I've missed my own cooking. I've gotten tired of eating my own food. I've seen real castles. I've gone to a lake and swam on it trying to trick my brain into thinking it was a beach. I've learned to accept the reality of things. I've learned to mapread. I've bought an ukulele and am learning how to play it. And I'm getting better at it than at the guitar. I've met people I've only known online after years of talking. I've woken up in Berlin thinking I was in Brazil and that it had all been just a dream. I've woken up in Berlin wishing I was in Brazil. I've paid way too much money for brazilian food because I was desperate for a piece of home. Ive learned to treasure the sunny days, knowing that rain might fall in the blink of an eye. I've learned to never trust the weather app and to always carry an umbrella or jacket with me. I've learned to embrace short Skype calls. I've learned to always get the Autobahn while on a road trip. I've learned to put myself out there and take risks. I've reinforced my notion that there's no better companion than a good book. I've been close to tears with desperation over the German language before a test, woke up the next day and kept a conversation going in said language for more than 5minutes and realised it wasn't the end or the world. I've read a children's book in German and had my teacher tell me it was her 7-years-old son favourite book. I've played crazy ping pong and won. I've learned to plan a trip in a day. I've watched a game outside, in the rain along with thousands of other Germans because it was the world cup's final. I've seen entire movies in German and understood what was being said, even if not in detail. I've began to capitalise words while writing in English or Portuguese because I forget that's a German-only rule. I've gone out with summer clothes with the sun out and came back freezing and wet because a storm had suddenly taken over and I was completely unprepared. I've done brigadeiro for people from different countries and had them go crazy over it. I've frozen my ass off waiting at an ungodly hour outside the Ausländerbehörde because I didn't want to risk having to do the same in Braunschweig. I've talked to random strangers at the tram in German, left at my station and only then realised I had spoken German. I've learned to say goodbye. I've learned so, so much in my time here and I'm living the very last few days of this wonderful city. Counting down the days and not wanting to leave. Not wanting for this chapter to be over and still looking forward to the next one. More experiences, more people, more places to go, more things to learn. More, more, more, just more. It's been six months, but there's still an entire year to go. And may fall and winter and spring and summer bring me even more. And may Braunschweig become my next adventure. 

Falling Star

Comes in your life a shooting star

To bring friendship wherever you are

But don't think for a second their love is true

For when you need, the meteor will have burned through.

Comes in your life a falling star

It shines so bright when in your life

But once it passes and it's gone,

It breaks your heart to the bone.

Look up to the sky to the other stars

They don't shine so bright, but constant they are.

And no matter how much time passes or obstacles are laid ahead,

Their presence will always be there.

Look up to the sky, to the other stars

The ones that follow wherever you are

The ones you know will always be true

They will keep the darkness and sorrow from you.

Sadness takes over, day after day
And all that’s happy seems to fade away
All the laugher is an echo of pain
As we hide inside waiting the night.

Reasons escape,
The blue is here to stay.
We’re taking a chance
There’s no other way.

My heart is shredded,
Yet I find I cannot cry.
Afraid of the dark,
I’m broken inside.

Smiles are so easily given,
But they tell other lies.
But look into my eyes and you’ll see
All my heart’s desire.

I’m living my dream
Yet I’m empty inside.
If not for the sadness
that surrounds my heart.

I’m surrounded by friends,
Yet none worthwhile
And I can’t find in the books,
What I’ve left behind.

Who are we?
I ask myself as I look into the mirror,
The face that stares back is so familiar
And still nothing is the same.

What have we done?
Have we lost ourselves while chasing shadows?
Have we drowned in our own sorrow?
Have we suffered so much we stopped trying?

The eyes that look back at me are so much older than I remember.
I watch as memories from the past run through my fingers like sand
There's no holding back anymore
They're all gone, and so are we.

We learned from our mistakes, but some can't suffer amends,
And the people we loved, we lost forever.
I was once young and brave
A little girl with the world in her hands.

But her wings were chained by those
Who would stop her from flying
And her dreams were burned
Right before her eyes.
Her creativity suppressed,
By those who could so easily lie.
And her tears would carry, an empty desire.

We were born to be broken,
But does that means we can't be fixed?
We were shapped for loneliness,
But can't others hear our hearts screaming?
We were taught to be hopeless, yet faith took over
On those who foreced themselves to believe.

We have done that, haven't we?
So easily abandoned, by those who claimed to care
And so easily fooled, by anyone who would stop to stare.
So desperate for love, we forgot to love ourselves.

We were shaped into humans, who never learned to care
And we were taught to continue, even though we were bleeding.
We were raised in fear, of the pains from within
Yet as we went to sleep, unwatched, we dreamed of freedom

She looked up from her book when she heard a noise, thinking it might be someone approaching. Funny how you can be transported in between two worlds so fast and be brought back with a punch when a noise that threatens your seclusion manages to penetrate through the barriers of your mind. A lifetime can be lived in the chapters of a book, and she had already lived too many lifetimes to count. Some would say she hid behind books because reality was too hard to bear, and they were right. What’s the point of real life, really, when every step you take is just another step towards suffering and every person you meet is just in the corner waiting to break your heart. She had once been a great actress and she learned the art of laughing and smiling even when her insides were screaming when she was still young. What is life if not a big play? She could make friends in the blink of an eye but she could never keep them even if her life depended on it. Everybody eventually left. Her life was a parade of so called friends who would continually break her heart. No matter how hard she tried, how much she gave or how much she begged. One by one they left. They broke her heart continuously It’s not that she didn’t like people, though, she loved them. Their different mentalities, cultures, languages, accents. Their different backgrounds and tastes. She just never fit in, even though she tried. She could surround herself with people, smile, laugh, joke… But deep down she would still be alone. A defense mechanism against all the previous suffering. She didn’t block people out so much as keep herself from being hurt any further. In just how many pieces can a heart be broken before it’s enough? She never got the answer to that question either. And she lived in fear that she was very close to finding out.

 That’s the thing about books, though, they will never disappoint you. Books will never leave you, even when they break your heart. Books are always there for you. They take you flying far away and they take you in, help you breath. Books could make her laugh but they never charged for her smile, they never forced her to pretend to be something she wasn’t. Books never have any expectation whatsoever. She could always just pick them up whenever she liked it to read and then put it back in her shelves until she wanted to take them out again.  Books understand.